I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize