Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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