Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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