did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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