either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
