You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
