I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
