people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
