Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
