remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I AM VODKA MAN
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
