I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
