i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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