I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
