I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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