Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
