Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
