Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
