Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
did i just pee glitter
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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