I showed him my bush... on skype.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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