Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
