the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize