Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
