I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
