This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
