im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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