Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
