Acid is not a monday night drug
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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