i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
