here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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