How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
