hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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