She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
