I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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