my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize