FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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