When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
There's even glitter on my cock...
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