He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
