Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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