My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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