my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
