you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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