Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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