So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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