I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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