Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
