Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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