Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think my fart just growled at me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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