Welp...herpes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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