I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Rumble strips road head = magical
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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