Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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