i'm signing you up for texting rehab
they need to just BURY HIM!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
