there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
