So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
