i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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