Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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