I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
