filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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