Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
