Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
