she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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