Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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