i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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